Tomorrow is a day I have been dreading... my due date. I have been so emotional the last few days and I definitely think thats why. 8.5 months ago August 13th was going to be the best day of my life, & now it is the saddest. There has not been a single day that I have not thought about my little baby & what he/she means to me. What the whole experience means has been so complicated in my mind. I do understand that he/she was the size of a seseme seed, so small, but yet meant so much. My beliefs and feelings lead me to the only conclusion that makes any sense... if a baby forms in the womb, and the cells combine to equal a pregnancy then that baby is a baby. No doubts about it. I have always believed this, but because of what happened to me I have really put a lot of thought into it. Therefore my baby is a lucky one because she/ he has a beautiful home in heaven! They never had to endure the trials of the world... they got to go straight home! Everyday they get to play with Jesus & all the other babies who didn't make it to their mommys. I know they are happy & that is a comforting feeling. I have decided where my sorrow lies because yes, I do still cry about it. My sorrow lies in the fact that I want to be a mommy so bad, I want to have a family & be a great mother, raising children with strong morals, beliefs, goals, and values. I am the kind of woman who could never be complete without a child & a little piece of hope was shattered when I lost my first baby. They were a beautiful part of Austin and me & that is what makes me so sad. I don't know what the reason is that it happened like this, but I have to believe God has a plan. He needed me to know something, but baby wasn't there to stay... he needed them back home. I would be lying if I didn't feel sad by every new pregnant post I see. Of course happiness for the families being blessed with babies, but sad its not my turn yet. It's on my mind All.The.Time & it gets so frustrating. Also frustrating and so sad that I had to lose my first one & tomorrow when I'm supposed to be blessed with a baby I'm left empty handed. I'll always miss my little seseme seed, always wonder what she/he would have looked like & miss the joy they would have brought to our family. I so wish we could have made them a home here, but know they have a beautiful home in heaven & instead of my face being the first they would see... it was Jesus' Happy Birthday my little angel! I love and miss you so so much.
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