Our Angel Baby

On December 10, 2011 Austin finally talked me into taking a pregnancy test. I was a week late at this point, but I kept telling him it will come Austin... I know it will. However, it did not. The next morning I woke up at 7 am (December 11, 2011) went downstairs and peed on the test. I waited 3 minutes and when I flipped it over my heart stopped. There were two dark pink lines, which means I was pregnant. I swear my vision got blurry, I ran up the stairs and started yelling at Austin. I was truly in shock.

A little background story... I was married for two years before I met Austin. We never used any form of protection and I never got pregnant. This led me to believe that I had fertility issues, in fact, I was sure of it. It devastated me because what I want more than anything in this world is to be a mother. But on this day in December, I was definitely proved wrong.

I wanted to tell everyone, but I tried to go back to sleep for a little while because my mother was first on the list and it was still really early. I didn't go back to sleep though, I just layed there for a few hours until Austin woke up. We went straight to the drugstore to get me prenatals and we tried to find something that said Grandma on it, but we couldn't so I just brought her the test. I told her to close her eyes & she thought I had a puppy. Hahaha. Well I layed the test on her lap and when she opened her eyes she started jumping up and down saying "Oh my gosh really!?" She was soo excited. We were kind of nervous to tell Austin's parent's, but they were excited as well. It was the greatest feeling in the world.

The next week I went about my daily routine of work & what not. Everyday falling deeper and deeper in love with this little baby growing inside me. I didn't do ANYTHING that could possibly harm my baby. EVERY single night I prayed for my baby, that God would protect my baby. I knew if anything happened it would ruin me.

The next Saturday I was at work just about to leave for lunch when I went to the bathroom. When I pulled down my pants there was pink in my underwear. My heart almost stopped. I called Austin & his mom & they both told me it was normal to spot, but his mom told me to come home and relax for the rest of the day. I went home and relaxed, but every time I peed there was pink. I finally went over to the house we had just bought that Austin was working on so we could move in shortly & told him I wanted to go to the hospital. He thought everything was fine so I called my mom. I told her I NEEDED to go to the hospital, because I was also cramping. I went over to her house and off we went. I was trying everything to stay hopeful, but in my heart I knew this was bad. When I got to the hospital they seemed to act silly that I was there, obviously there was nothing they could do to stop it if I was having a miscarriage, but I knew I needed to be there. I was there for a few hours & no blood & I started to get really hopeful. They decided to do an ultra sound and I got so excited that maybe, just maybe, I would hear his/her little heartbeat. They did a regular ultrasound and nothing... they decided to do a vaginal ultrasound and when she took it out, it was covered in blood. I immediately went to the bathroom and there was so much blood. I started to bawl & when I came up my mom was bawling too. I had lost my baby, the one thing in the world I wanted more than anything.

To this day I don't understand why I had to lose mine. So many people get babies & have abortions, or treat them terribly, & I would make the absolute best mom. But my baby died & there is not explination for why. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby and miss him/her. (I have a mom feeling it was a girl, but maybe it was a boy, I'll never know) In that week I knew about my baby I planned out a life for them. A beautiful life full of love & so many wonderful things. As I pass milestones I would have had in my pregnancy it makes me sad. This month we would have found out if it was a boy or a girl. But we don't get to experience these things, because at 6 weeks I lost my little angel. I will never be the same, and I can't shake the feeling that my family will never be complete. I know (or hope with all my heart) that one day I will have more babies, but my first will never be here with me. The only thing that remotely comforts me, is that even though she/he was so tiny and small, that they are with Jesus in Heaven. & I know that my little baby knows how much their mommy loved them and always will.

I love you

One summer night, July 3rd to be exact, we decided to have a little partay. This party of course resulted in a bit of a fight. Kyson, my ex, called me and Austin got mad so he took the phone and just went off on him. Kyson told him some silly stupid things and then Austin got mad at me ladeda. When he finally calmed down and sat down and talked to me I remember it clear as day what he said. He was so upset and said "Shaina, I'm in love with you, I LOVE you." It was the sweetest words I have ever heard. I just sat there and took it in. I didn't feel like I could say it back under these circumstances, but I wanted to so bad. The next night was the 4th of July. ALL day I went over what he said and wondered if it was just the alcohol that made those words come out. I spent the night that night and I remember laying there thinking 'How should I bring it up... what should I say.... how do I know if he meant it' So I finally worked up the nerve, after what seemed like hours & mentioned what he had said the previous night. He said "I remember what I said & I meant it" I had the biggest butterflies I have ever had in my life. I then layed there and pondered how the heck do I said it back. He finally asked me "Did you fall?" & I said "yes..." & he said "do you love me?" I said "yes.." but I SOO BADLY wanted to say the words. So I kissed him and whispered in his ear "I love you" & he looked at me and said "I love you too, so much." I literally had butterflies for at least a week. It's all I could think about. I was so in love with him & I knew at that moment he was the one I had been waiting for.

The beginning...

I moved down to Oklahoma on April 11, 2011 after moving from Boise, Idaho. I was in a pretty terrible marriage so my mom (who lives down here) came up to get me & I FINALLY decided to leave. She told me she had a great job I could get & things would be much better down here. Immediately when we arrived in Sapulpa I felt free & I knew I had made the right choice. A day or two after we got here my mom took me to the Liquidation Store that was opening Saturday to meet the owner, hoping I could score a job. She had known the owner (Mike Jeffries) since she was little and their moms were best friends. I met him and the very first thing he said to me was "We better keep her away from my son because she's too damn cute" :) I was then introduced to Jeremiah, the store manager and one of Austin's best friends. I filled out an application and he said he'd let me know if a position opened. The store opened on Saturday and we went right at 9 to see what cool things we could buy. That's when I met him. He was SUPER goofy from the first words. He came over and introduced himself to me right when he saw me. It was just a simple introduction. Later that night I had a friend request on facebook, he had facebooked me already! I thought it was hilarious. I accepted and he messaged me the next day wondering if he had "added the right person." This was a Sunday & he decided THAT DAY he must take me to see the town. That evening he picked me up on his Harley & took me to Outback and showed me around the little town of Sapulpa. He was goofy & charming, but I was only looking for a friend & he let me know he was looking for a lot more. A couple nights later he made me dinner and took me to a movie. We held hands, but that was all. I thought it was sweet he hadn't tried to kiss me yet. The first kiss did come. After, or during, our third date or "hangout" we were watching a movie and I was trying the whole time to get him to kiss me, hinting and everything, but he just wouldn't. FINALLY at the end of the night he did it. & He was so gentle. :) We hung out quite a bit for the next month and a half & things went really well. I was starting to think he was NEVER going to date me, even though he always said "We will date soon, I really like you" I just thought he was fibbing me. I had been warned about him & his granny even told me they called him a whore dog. Yikes. Just as I was losing all hope & kicking myself for falling for someone again, on June 1, 2011 we became "official" as dating standards go. Facebook status went to "In a relationship." It had been two months for me, and two YEARS for him. But I was so glad to finally get to call him my boyfriend.