A little background story... I was married for two years before I met Austin. We never used any form of protection and I never got pregnant. This led me to believe that I had fertility issues, in fact, I was sure of it. It devastated me because what I want more than anything in this world is to be a mother. But on this day in December, I was definitely proved wrong.
I wanted to tell everyone, but I tried to go back to sleep for a little while because my mother was first on the list and it was still really early. I didn't go back to sleep though, I just layed there for a few hours until Austin woke up. We went straight to the drugstore to get me prenatals and we tried to find something that said Grandma on it, but we couldn't so I just brought her the test. I told her to close her eyes & she thought I had a puppy. Hahaha. Well I layed the test on her lap and when she opened her eyes she started jumping up and down saying "Oh my gosh really!?" She was soo excited. We were kind of nervous to tell Austin's parent's, but they were excited as well. It was the greatest feeling in the world.
The next week I went about my daily routine of work & what not. Everyday falling deeper and deeper in love with this little baby growing inside me. I didn't do ANYTHING that could possibly harm my baby. EVERY single night I prayed for my baby, that God would protect my baby. I knew if anything happened it would ruin me.
The next Saturday I was at work just about to leave for lunch when I went to the bathroom. When I pulled down my pants there was pink in my underwear. My heart almost stopped. I called Austin & his mom & they both told me it was normal to spot, but his mom told me to come home and relax for the rest of the day. I went home and relaxed, but every time I peed there was pink. I finally went over to the house we had just bought that Austin was working on so we could move in shortly & told him I wanted to go to the hospital. He thought everything was fine so I called my mom. I told her I NEEDED to go to the hospital, because I was also cramping. I went over to her house and off we went. I was trying everything to stay hopeful, but in my heart I knew this was bad. When I got to the hospital they seemed to act silly that I was there, obviously there was nothing they could do to stop it if I was having a miscarriage, but I knew I needed to be there. I was there for a few hours & no blood & I started to get really hopeful. They decided to do an ultra sound and I got so excited that maybe, just maybe, I would hear his/her little heartbeat. They did a regular ultrasound and nothing... they decided to do a vaginal ultrasound and when she took it out, it was covered in blood. I immediately went to the bathroom and there was so much blood. I started to bawl & when I came up my mom was bawling too. I had lost my baby, the one thing in the world I wanted more than anything.
To this day I don't understand why I had to lose mine. So many people get babies & have abortions, or treat them terribly, & I would make the absolute best mom. But my baby died & there is not explination for why. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby and miss him/her. (I have a mom feeling it was a girl, but maybe it was a boy, I'll never know) In that week I knew about my baby I planned out a life for them. A beautiful life full of love & so many wonderful things. As I pass milestones I would have had in my pregnancy it makes me sad. This month we would have found out if it was a boy or a girl. But we don't get to experience these things, because at 6 weeks I lost my little angel. I will never be the same, and I can't shake the feeling that my family will never be complete. I know (or hope with all my heart) that one day I will have more babies, but my first will never be here with me. The only thing that remotely comforts me, is that even though she/he was so tiny and small, that they are with Jesus in Heaven. & I know that my little baby knows how much their mommy loved them and always will.
